1. Every married man in America has heard these eight words... "you're not going to wear that are you?'

2. You can judge a person's character by the way they treat those who can't help them and those who can't fight back.

3. The word "vegetarian" is an old Indian word that means "bad hunter"

4 . Life is just one darn thing after another.... it's how you handle those darn things that determine your quality of life.

5. Folks want to know when is the best time to castrate their bull (according to the moon) the absolute best time to castrate your bull is when you have him tied up really really well.

6. You can't motivate anyone to do anything unless they know how they will benefit from a change in their behavior.

7. If you're talking family humor, there's nothing funnier than your spouses family.

8. Any country boy can tell you that when there's more folks riding in the wagon than pulling it, you're in trouble!

9. The instant replay was invented because men have such a short memory

10. If you really really need something (like a new roof) and don't get it, you'll pay for it and still not have it. No one has ever borrowed their way to prosperity.

11. Men never remember, women never forget!

12. If you want something to go your way, do everything you can to make it happen. If it still doesn't work..... forget it!

13. The length of a minute depends on what side of the bathroom door you are on.

14. Raise the level of expectation to be commensurate with an increase in price.

15. Grandchildren are God's reward to you for not killing your teenagers.

16. The more you explain the worse it looks.

17. Always borrow from a pessimist, they never expect to be paid back.

18. Tact is letting other people have your way.

19. The main ingredient to success is sincerity....once you learn to fake that, you've got it made.

20. The only fool bigger than a know it all is the one who argues with them.

21. Does pushing the elevator button several times make it go faster?

22. When you dig a well and it comes up dry, move your digger

23. If you blow in your dogs face it makes them mad, but they love to stick their head out the car window.

24. We don't stop playing because we get old, we get old because we stop playing.

25. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know, it's never been done.

26. A small dirty spot is more noticeable than a large clean one.

27. Every family has a few nuts hanging off their family tree.

28. Nothing wilts faster than a laurel rested upon.

29. Men will not ask for directions, that's how come only one sperm in a million makes it to where it's going

30 To get what you want, give other people what they want first.31 Many politicians are like diapers, they get full of themselves and need to be changed.

32 Most folks are too busy living life to enjoy it